So Far Off Broadway

6:36PM - completely inaccurate

6:44PM

grumble...

so apparently i suck at life in totally new ways today.

and that means i'm done.

way for safety nets to get torn away....

9:33AM

I clearly have social leprocy. The only thing to do about it I suppose is exile myself like they used to do with lepers.

And frankly, at this point in time, that plan sounds like a good one.

6:02PM

I looked in the mirror this morning that sal my double chin reappearing. My immedate thought was- wow, your fat, you should go kill yourself. And as I went through the day I started to agree with myself.

Erin, no need to lecture, its okay to be a fattie, blah blah blah. I worked hard to drop that weight, but here it is again. Its like nothing I do ever works. Oh, and that never getting married again. Well, I bet the double chin that said hello this morning has something to do with that.

9:00PM

Yet another sappy hallmark holiday is coming saturday. Sweetest day.

My grandpa made me help him pick out a card for my gma. Lame. I haven't had a sweetest in so long i don't remember what it is like, and an not going to get a reminder anytime soon!

Can't even get a guy to ask me out on a date, let alone a sappy card.

I don't know why this is bugging me, i have been in a really good place lately, but it does bug me.

I blame all my friends who are getting married off in the next couple months! (jk :) )

9:19PM

FRUSTRATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So frustrated!

Forget it, I will just go to bed!

8:44PM

Dog training went relatively well. I am way behind at work... and I am getting nervous about that... I am less nervous about other things... well most things. I love my car, and my job, and my dog. And random time spent with random ppl. But, ultimately I am alone and its okay. Bridezilla's is on, and it amuses me that these ill tempered monsters can get a man but i sit at home on my butt unless I twist ppls arm's. Funny. Oh well, 50 bucks a check goes to the baby fund until the SL are paid off, and then everything goes into it. Worst case scenario, I will have enough by 41 y/o. I never thought I would have to resort to that, but if tahts what I have to do, then I will.

But, as I have 12.5 years to wait, I might as well not give up hope yet.

I figured out my halleween costume. To bad I can't spell it.
It sucks to know you are wrong and have no idea how to make it correct. Story of my life.

My feelings are still hurt about not being deep enought to take that class, but mostly bc she hasn't tried to apologize, not bc of her rude comment.

I might hit Ceder Point this weekend with Carrie... that would rock. I don't know her family very well but they seem nice.

I wish my family cared about ppls feelings like other ppls do. I will make sure to have that in mine, when I adopt my Russian Baby. I would rather adopt a chinese baby girl, but they require two parents marreid for at least blah many years... Russia is much easier.

I feel better about being alone, now that I have plans inplace to deal with it. Yeah... so things are much better, and leveling off, but not fantastic.

10:06PM

i am so tired, but i can't sleep until my download is over... sad.

and i am so behind in work reading, but what ya going to do.

i have been kicking around some stuff lately, mostly throwing myself in front of a train bc i can't move out, but hey... what you going to do.

but saying something might be as devistating.

lame!

8:23PM

ambigudate... that is my new favorite term. just so you all know. to bad it is the extent of my love life... or dating life, or whatever.

10:49PM

just because he has kicked the negaverse around from time to time doesn't mean that he is prince charming

7:15PM

So, I looked at some more apartments tonight. And found one that will be a little bit cheaper... but still... IDK!

So now I am going to sit down and work out the numbers. We shall see. Either way I have to get out off here.

10:30PM

best response to what happend tonight at the tute:

Ryan
she's a retard and she needs to shut up

. . .

but anything else and she needs a good smack in the face

12:48AM

i got two dances out of my crush tonight. 2. but i kinda realize that that will be all i ever get.

when i move i will be in the other ward, maybe that will help.

5:26PM

So work didn't suck.

6:19PM

The terror of being unemployed is passing, and the terror of being unable to do my job and getting fired has started up.

Meanwhile the terror of dying alone remains consant.

4:41PM

Well thursday sucked, about as much as I figured. I stayed in bed until like 5 pm, and then I went to dinner with a jerk (Captain Blow-Off, for those of you who know is alter ego) just to remind myself that I am likely better off, but it did not work. It was just dinner, not a date, so no need to jump me over having standards... because clearly I would be happier if I had none.
Speaking of no standards... I should have stayed married. He was to lazy to ever do the paper work, and I could have just stayed married and ridden the crazy out. Then maybe I would not have ended up in Frazolli's on my 4th wedding anniverary with my friends from the family ward sitting accross the resturant making faces at me like I am on a date, when I know full well that it is not a date and frankly I will never go on one again so there is no need to point and laugh at me.

I know that alot of this depression I am stuck in is purely that I am unemployed, and carless, and broke. But, I also happen to know that a lot of this is the fact that I am never going to have babies becasue I will never get married mostly bc I will never go on a date again in my natural life! (Erin, you may not correct me here, bc I am right)

So happy anniversary... thanks for making me want to slight my wrists... and for ruining my birthday.

Speaking of which... I just want to say in bed, right, and try to sleep and never get out of bed... which I understand is totally my clinical depression talking but whatever... anyways my red headed friend is making me have a bday party tonight, in like 10 minutes. I wanted to stay in bed, but I got vetoed. And its not like I expected anyone to come to this shindig, I didn't bc there is no notice and whatnot and ppl have lives and plans and stuff (except me) but texting saying no thanks would at least be nice. I know you guys are not my friends, but at least tell me no thanks, okay. I know you have lives, but you don't have to rub them in my face.

You know life sucks when your ht asks you what he can do for you, and you ask him to hit you with his car. I am hoping he knew it was a joke... you never know with him.

Sorry for the whinning... divorce and unemployment, and my family will drive anyone to depression. Oh and that whole you suck at life and here is a bday to remind you of such- all your friends from hs are doctors and lawyers and stuff and you are unemployed in your gram's basement and can't get a job or a date... so yeah.

and frankly i know why no one wants to hang out with me... bc i am a debbie downer, and i am no fun... but i really am a great person, and I really am fun. but i just can't bring out the real me for all the stress in my life. I wish that I could, but I am trapped, and don't know how to escape. and what is bad is that at this point i will likely never escape. its all a self perpetuating cycle, and i will never ever break free, and it sucks bc i thought i was getting better, i thought that life was improving and that i might be able to get out of this dark whole for once and for all, but then its my 4th anniversary and i am still all alone and he is who knows where having moved on with his life and completely happy to be rid of me and here i am still stuck on him.

whatever.

i am so done with life that the last few days i have begun to doubt that hf even loves me... because no one else does so why would anyone else. i mean i don't even have a calling and i have never done a talk so i doubt most hightly that he thinks i have anything to say.

Oh well.... that is enough of a rant

2:33PM

Does anyone want to form an unemployment club? I need structure!

2:55PM

My plans, much like my life, keeps falling apart. No cedar point is in my future. I still don't jave a job. I am just pointing these things out, not whining. Nauvoo was bad and good, and it solidified that I need to keep on trucking, specifically that I needed to ignore the moe's around me... so that was good to learn... or accept at least.

7:03PM

I did not hear about the job this week either. That means they have not decided yet, or that I didn't get it and they have not called me. My application still says under review, so there is hope. I have decided that there is nothing I can do, but trust the HF will take care of this or lead me to a different job elsewhere... so I am not gonna worry about it until I get back from Nauvoo next week.
I have limited internet access, so I will have to hit the job search in more interesting ways... like voodoo dolls, but I am sure it will work.
Everyone, except for the evil one, is in Jamaicia, so life is nice right now, except when the evil one gets her typical twist in her panties... But, there is nothing I can go except avoid her, so I do that!
I have lots of annoying things I could say about that, but why vent about someone who is crazy and unimportant.
I leave Thursday night to go to Nauvoo, and I am geeking out about it... being the huge history nerd I am, and not having been raised in the church I am excited to go for the first time.
Graduating tomorrow has brought me a lot of peace on things, and I will be okay with or without a job planned, with or without a home, and with or without a man.
So, I think I have made progress here lately, and all it took was being finished with college.
What freaks me out is I should be stressed about things, but I am the most relaxed I have been in literally years.

12:03PM

why can't it just work!